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Lockdown Haircut

Beauty parlors closed.

Barbershops shut down.

There’s no place for haircuts anywhere in this town.

I’m getting desperate.

My hair is unruly.

There’s no one to cut my hair, except…yours truly!

A lockdown haircut!

That’s what I’ll do.

If my stylist can cut hair, I betcha I can too.

How hard can it be?

My hair’s not that long.

I’ll do it myself. What could possibly go wrong?

Just an inch off the top.

It’s such a good plan.

My friends said this can’t end well. I think it can!

Got these big scissors.

A tarp. And this mirror.

Plus, YouTube to teach me the tricks of a shearer.

Here’s some old clippers.

I found this small comb.

I’m now prepared for my haircut at home.

Alright, here we go,

My lockdown haircut!

A clip here, a cut there, little snip and then…WHAAAAT?!?

Where are my sideburns?

How’d I get bangs?

The top’s all uneven. There’s one tuft that hangs.

Where is my eyebrow?

Why am I bleeding?

How is my hairline both thick and receding?

The right side is buzzed.

The left side’s a fade.

The back is a mullet. The ends are all frayed.

It’s sort of a mohawk,

And part pompadour.

An ugly new hairstyle no one’s heard of before.

What are those, braids?

Are there lines in my head?

Please tell me I’m dreaming. Better yet, that I’m dead!

Looks like an ape did it,

And used a machete.

Or a drunken blind person whose hands were unsteady.

I’m not a barber.

I shouldn’t have tried it.

I realize now that my attempt was misguided.

I hope it grows back.

But it probably won’t.

This isn’t a hairdo, more like a “hair don’t.”

Damn lockdown haircut!

This idea had potential,

But my crazy hair’s proof that salons ARE essential!

By Adam Lazarus


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